An Anarchist + Spiritualist in AA

AA is Alcoholics Anonymous, a “non-religious non-political group of individuals” (whom may rotate and change and come/leave) that create space for healing from addiction. Its self-supporting which means essentially FREE and anyone who wants to contribute to the funds of keeping it going (zoom, books, renting spaces for meetings etc) can. But the main focus is just getting the healing from addiction, and for this particular ANON group, its Alcoholism.

There are a variety of 12 step groups all which help support people to grow, heal, get accountable and responsible while also accessing buried emotions from trauma. People take turns really learning to LISTEN without often giving any feedback. You learn to use “I” statements. You read from literature directly related to Alcoholics, or Eating Disorders, or being an Adult Child of Alcoholics and Dysfucntional families, depending on your support group. There are groups for money problems, sex and relationships and much more.

And very recently, because of the COVID-19 pandemic there are Trans, Gender Non Conforming and BIPoC — Black Indigenous People of Color centered/exlusive meetings. This has been a revolution. Its a space to process on a deeper level the ways we (BIPoC) are not just effected by these white -dominant program spaces but also by white supremacy at large which plays a crucial role in understanding ourselves and our needs — leading to unparalleded healing. We unpack how living in a Transphobic society can impact our mental health and feed addcition. We learn to take responsiblity for our healing but not without expressing these deep wounds and feelings with honesty. We learn about the ways we were vulnerable to these attacks and often realizing that we just need to LOVE ourselves more than the hate directed towards us.

12 -step encourages having a sponsor, trying out having a HIGHER POWER or HIGHER PURPOSE if God/s aren’t your thing. Some thing or situtaion that helps you align and direct your energy. Honestly needed if you’re prone to demonic possession. JK…or … 😈

All in all its like maturity school for those off us with limited or no coping skills for life. Oops yes that's right, drinking myself into oblivion cause my dad was mean to me didn’t really help me but it did temporarily give me a solution. Drinking and doing hard drugs SAVED MY LIFE. It worked until it didn’t anymore.* It started to harm me, isolate me and confuse me. It made me subsceptible to a lot more pain.

Now all that being said, its a cult. and I’m laughing about it. I know cults sound scary. Because we see white men out here brainwashing people and killing them or abusing them. Cults are scary because we lose our autonomy.

Do you have autonomy? Is capitalism a cult? Capitalism told me, a trans brown child of immigrants, that I was wrong, and the solution was to align with whiteness by creating a fantasy life and they even have tangible tools, dollhouses, barbie cars and toys for this fantasy life. I will continuously feel out of place and strive to get closer to that success but always fall short.

What about celebrity CULTure. Or your small Chrisitan church community where the elders or Leader is who you rely on to navigate all of your life’s ups and down. This man has you staying in a toxic marriage and having kids, and has no idea what to do with you coming out.

**
I’ve always felt like a loner. And sometimes thats felt like a bad thing. Other times it feels like a chance to be critical enough to free myself from becoming deeply co-depedant. I start thinking, “I don’t belong, this doesn’t feel right, I don’t align.” And sometimes its because I’m being asked to GROW and im not ready, sometimes its because something I was needing is no longer a need.

THAT ONE. No longer a need. Something is no longer a need, can be temporary or permanent. I didn’t need to drink to cope anymore. But I didn’t have fully developed tools yet to take its place. (YEARS before AA I got back to my roots, I meditated, prayed, danced, created, and worshipped nature.)

This brings me into the process of lovingly detaching. Something, someone, some place could have brought you so much joy, healing, guidance and nourishment and they no longer do that. As you float away bringing with you everything you learned you are healing and growing.

Now whats all this Anarchist in AA stuff? Well the thing is when you get in there you’re going to meet all kinds of people who have their idea about what AA is and how its suppose to work. Most of these people have their own political beliefs they are not allowed to NAME them but it will show up in the way they treat you and each other and themselves.
They are going to read and recite that you should
TAKE WHAT YOU NEED and LEAVE THE REST.” — a program quote
But like any cult or religion that started as a cult, lots of interpretations and strong personalities and toxicity will arise. If it gets big enough there will be a hive mind and you will get marginalized if you act or feel differently.

As an anarchist person of color. I cannot tie myself completely to any structure or group which was BORN of Christian White Supremacist structures. I don’t want to downplay the amount of support Ive recieved and the things I’ve learned about myself through this program. But its not for everyone and its not going to feed everyone the same right now. Its in flux. Its shifting. It may be different soon and as Ive heard it different than it used to be. So this isn’t is a canceling this is a disclaimer to develop a sense of autonomy and connection with your ancestors!

If you cannot get sober and you’ve tried everything and you’re just here self-harming your body/mind, TRY AA! As your mind clears you’ll know what fits for you and you will be brought to responsibility to make these needs fulfilled.

They say that the only prerequsite for membership is the desire to stop drinking. But when you’re in white rooms you can’t talk about race — as thought racism never made anyone drink…, you might not have your pronouns respected in cis-gender dominant spaces, you might have people who look just like you policing you because they needed this program in a different way than you might. You can’t microdose mushrooms or smoke cannibus. Full sobriety from all things is the only REAL sobriety which is not in the literature its just decided over the years.

A friend mentioned to me this, these are only other people, like myself , there is no one authority or group or leader here. But because we are used to these structures in our lives we try to cling to them in there. Policing ourselves and each other.

I saw God in those rooms. Honestly. I did. But I don’t know if AA is for me if its going to be so damn judgey. ✌🏼

As they say in AA “more will be revealed”

*Drinking and doing drugs SAVED MY LIFE. It worked until it didn’t anymore. — AA might’ve helped me deeply, but my allegiance is not to this program or Alcohol or anyone, my only GUIDE is my Higher Power, Kali, My ancestors!

NOTE: Don’t let this dissuade you. Let it encourage you, especially marginilized people to GO anywhere you can access healing and to RECIEVE it through your Ancestors. Let yourself flow and discover and uncover. You deserve to have all of the good in the world. And if AA is a helpful step, let it be, but you do not have to drink the Kool-Aid. Trust your Guides got you and will empower you with the indigenous healing of your people. ✨